Guide for Norway

Apparently, tourists (especially English, Japanese and Italian) have been lacking in Norway this year. While as usually - we get a handful of them, it has now been reduced to almost nothing! :0 (yeah yeah, there have been the sporadic incidents of locals putting tourist buses on fire, but honestly I thought extreme tourism was all in the "now").

SO, ideally - I have decided to do a bit of advertising on my behalf - to show you exactly what kind of beauty Norway can offer - even for someone who has "travelled everywhere" and "seen everything". I swear to you! You will be surprised! And I have to admit that the theme is a little cheesy, like the headline and everything, but then again, it makes it seem so much more attractive. It's all about style!

Thoughts of a Viking Guide for Norway
- a Northern Odyssey

There are many wonderful sights and sounds in Norway, and I will begin with our proud capital, it was once known as Kristiania - but then went back to it's original name that's still used today, which is Oslo.

A most vibrant and interesting intersection consisting of up to several intersections actually - believe it or not. Today Oslo has approximately 856 915 inhabitants (this is per Jan. 1st 2008) - and also the highest density of lapps (sami) in the entire of Norway. Considering, there are though - very few reindeer. Anyway --

Oslo is:

1. Always under Construction

So many ditches are being dug, church roofs reinstated, buildings rehabilitated, offices constructed that the city is almost to be considered one great piece of versatile, temporary art.

2. Expensive

Oslo is the most expensive City in Europe, and also second on a worldwide basis. As a bonus, Oslo is packed with demanding beggars on every corner.

3. Smelly
Not all over, but right here - right here on the map. It always smells.

4. Democratic
Norwegians are fair and just - that being said; democracy really means that nobody really gets their will - and solutions are based on compromises. Which explains why the shape of the new operahouse is a somehow indefinable three-dimensional oblong.

5. Quiet

There is no such place as Oslo, or Norway (in general) to go when you seek somewhere you can be absolutely free of small-talk. If you speak to a Norwegian stranger, they will most likely think you are either a) American, b) Drunk, -or c) Both! (Which initally might not be bad things overall, but you might have trouble keeping a conversation going).

6. Wet
I mentioned Oslo being rather short on social interaction, this might not always be the case, except when it comes to bus stops and the like. Because in Oslo we have these benches underneath a "shelter" of sorts that can easily fit about seven people on almost every bus stop. But in Oslo, if somebody is standing underneath it, and one is sitting on the bench - it's full. Which means any newcomer have to stand in the rain. It all makes sense if you were Norwegian.

7. Doomed
Oslo has 20 graveyards and 13 hospitals. It all just went wrong to begin with.


Foss said...

The most expensive city in Europe? Only a complete fool would go there on holiday!

Actually, I think that's exactly why there haven't been as many tourists this year. Petrol, food, mortgages - they're all getting expensive, and holidays are suffering as a result.

Oh, and council tax can ruin it too :(

Audun said...

Yus, as global economy is taking a turn for the worse, tourists are looking for cheaper places to travel.
And someone told me that when journalists measure how expensive Oslo is, they go to eat and drink at Aker Brygge, so gl hf.

I like the bus shelter thing, it's a good picture of Norwegian mentality.

Get one of them russian dogs, for sheer awesomes. Or, get a mix between a rottweiler and a schäfer. They look teh funkzter.

replica said...

Yay, Stavanger's the third most expensive city worldwide. I feel fulfilled, I always thought Oslo was way more expensive.

Great guide, by the way. Spot on. I lol'd.

Kida said...

It doesn't stink in Rozenkrantzgate, does it?!

I thought the smell came from Vippetangen. Fiiiiish. No, that's wrong. Fish isn't that bad. It smells like fishcakes, and that's disgusting.

Martin said...

It also stinks outside the National Gallery. And on various other places around Oslo (these places needs to be smelled at again, however, to be confirmed)

Vanessa said...

Hahah I love this post! I just randomly came to your blog through your friend's blog because I was doing a Google image search which led me there. You are both very entertaining. I love you blog. Keep it up! :)

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