Looking for people with time

I've always loved to tell stories, and despite the fact that I have never really finished any of my started "works", I'm constantly thinking of stories or characters or ideas for twists and turns. This gets terrible bothersome after a while, so I have to sit down and jot the idea(s) down on paper in the form of a story. The problem is that I wear my eyes out on these things. I read, re-read, I edit, re-edit, I change something, remove lots, write a character out, add a new one, invent something, add a chapter or ten and so on and so on, but then I feel alienated from my own plot, right? I can no longer think of what's reasonable to happen next. And even if I DO create a disposition of the plot, everything I write just becomes unnatural. So I was wondering if I could call out for some assistance here, if only you would bother to read a page or maybe 26 or how many as you'd like and give me some feedback on it - I'd be in debt to you. Seriously. Because I get stuck and it's annoying because I really want to finish my stories!

Here are the beginnings of the four ones I am having particular trouble with, see if you can find one that is appealing in one way or the other and let me know, and I'll let you read the full story. I wont publish it here because it would be a dangerously long wall of text.

Pretty please?

"P Lot" - 7 pages
Eve worked in a large shopping mart. Every single morning, when the sun was still a pinkish haze through the pollution -she drove the short route through the concrete maze and parked in front of the neon-flashing chaos that was the liquor store. With the click of worn, cheap shoes she strode over the vast parking lot and around to the back of the mart, where it smelled rotten and fishy. The following bit she never remembered, because she was usually too tired. But before she knew it she was seated beneath the penetrating ceiling lights of Shop Smart Super Mart, bipping groceries past the cashier and watching people fumble for their wallets.
In addition to getting half an hour for lunch, five minutes for smokes and special offers on Shop Smart Super Mart’s own brand products (like the “Smart Shopping Super Easy Chicken Pastry Pasties 0.79$” and such) – she also got to wear their striped, red uniform. And she had been particularly lucky to get one that was at least two sizes too big, and a little stiff. So when she sat down by the cashier it looked like she was wearing a striped, red tent with “It Makes Sense to Be Smart - Choose Super Mart™” printed on the back.

"AGXH - 3" - 36 pages
”This swamp is disgusting!” she hollered to nobody in particular. She stood to her knees in the semi-yellow, slimey substances that covered the surface underneath the low ferns and the stalked flowers enveloping the misty wetness of the planet Schloorg. With much difficulty she managed to haul herself up from the sucking mass that bubbled with mysterious appetite. Small insects whirred and zoomed in and out of sight in the clampy mist. The sky was grey and empty, though still – mostly wet. Her shiny spaceship stood parked some way off, she had managed to steer it down on a patch of ground that didn’t immediately sink into the muddy masses below. Her cook, Flatch Estavado was unsuccessfully attempting to pick an eggplant-like vegetable from through an open window in the ship. -“Captain!” He shouted, though the fog seemed to devour most of the sound. “Captain! The- what is that?- Eew! –The roasted Uqail is ready!” He tried to shake off the pink slime that had covered his arm when the eggplant had exploded without warning.

"Forever Autumn" - 44 pages
It was at the dodgy end of Begonia lane, the lane edged with pumpkin patches and old, crooked oaks. The worn down, muddy street in the district of continuous autumn, where the crisp, dry leaves from the trees always flutter aimlessly in the wind.
In Forever Autumn the trees blush in fiery colours, wilt, then blush again – without ever sprouting or blooming. You see, this is because Forever-Autumn is the origin of everything that represents autumn and reflects the image of the world’s way to display the process from summer to winter. There is never summer in Forever-Autumn, there is no spring, no time for blossoming flowers and bird song. Forever-Autumn has no winter either, no frost, no snow, no starry clear winter nights and, there is never Christmas. All year around the trees will grow leaves that are already golden or red, apples will appear on the branches - though no flowers will have to blossom first, the pumpkins are always fat and reap and the crops a glistening yellow. None of the farmers ever have to plough or plant, the crops will appear over-night, and if they are not harvested, they will just stay there, nobody knows for how long, nobody have dared to test it.

"Maid in Buttermilk" - 4 pages
In a little dip between the fields lay a brick house. It was surrounded by blooming roses, purple and white lilac and some little scarlet begonias, all this foliage, the fuzzed, uncut lawn and the house were confined by a low stone fence. A warm June sun embraced this ripe summer afternoon and covered the landscape like golden drapes. The brick house was what by size I assume you’d call a small villa, or a minuscule mansion, because it was quite a pleasurable rust red size to it. You could tell from outside that most of the wobbly old windows had white lace curtains on the inside, and traditional, clean shutters neatly bolted on to the exteriority. All in all it was a very delicious countryside home, all heartily and delicately luscious.


Ulrik said...

I'd be happy to help. Not only to be super-nice and because this actually sounds kinda interesting, but also because I ran out of books last week.

But for this to be useful for you I need to do this systematic (that goes for everyone I guess). Which means I'd like several stories to get some comparison material, including one you're happy with (I don't mind reading hundreds of pages, got nothing to do in evenings nowadays). And for the ones you're having trouble with, a diagnosis of what seems to be the problem. Characterization, plot, unnatural story and so on, and also any form of outline for further happenings in the story, if such a plan even exist.

Also, to have a dialogue with others reading through could work neatly as a creativity think-tank, just a thought.

On and off-topic at the same time now; Tora have you ever considered seriously to either try and write a novel or gather some of these and actually publish something? Sure there's work to be done but anyone can see that the eager and talent to write is already there. Every writer have to start somewhere.

Tempus said...

I though i would just post this here, because you would find it here.

Soo its off topic, but
mail me what you got on the Shop smart super mart sotry will ya :P Allways wondered how that would end up :P AND i can relate to that.

as Hjmro@hotmail.com has 1617 unread emails in it, so sending anything to that is like sending to a wall.

Tora said...

Thank you so much Ulrik, I'll be sending you the stuffs in a moment, and thanks HJ for the casual ninja pic! YAY! Finally!

I'm sending mail shortly!

Audun said...

I've recently given myself tons of schoolwork, so I'll have to read the rest of them stories some other time.

However, I'll say this:
Your storywriting could probably do with some structure, one way or another. Read up on various authors and see if there's anyone with the same problem. Maybe some of them have found a solution, or at least a workaround. You write lots of great stuff, you just got to put it together nicely, in a way that works for you.

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