Amuse you!

Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.

They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages
... but that's nothing. If you play it forward it will install Windows.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
-"I'm positive." replied the atom.

A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter.' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life'."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of Shit."

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

All kudos for teh bad jokes goes to jokes4all.net - have you been amused-ified?


Audun said...

the one about Microsoft was great!

I know. I spam your blog. It's my forum trolliness Ø.o

Pollywantsacookie said...

Ive heard another version of the Freudian slip joke:

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
>He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
>He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
>mind if I ask how you got yours?"
>The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
>accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with
>the most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of saying,'I'd

>like two tickets to Pittsburgh ', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
>to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one.
>"The first guy replied, " Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
>twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say

>to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I
>said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."

Foss said...

Wasn't a very slightly different version of that joke in the original post?

Would Like To Burn Rome Down. Quick!

Audun said...

I think that was the idea. which ruins the idea.

Mab said...

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

I don't understand this one. So violent! You can shoot the lawyer, twice or even a million times for all I care, but you're still stuck in the hole isn't it! :(

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