Maid in Buttermilk III

Part I
Part II

It was a cool afternoon and that felt nice after such a warm and sunny day. They had moved into the parlour, which was bathing in the relaxing flickers of the ruby embers in the fireplace. The Lord of Buttermilk was smoking his pipe and was wearing his most comfortable slippers, every now and then he sneezed and threw a few random belongings in to the fire. His friend, Sir Jarvis Diggory Clarcy of Pea was sitting next to him and helping Giles sort out assorted items into two piles; one for keeping and one for burning.

Obviously it was both very very complicated and exhausting, there were so many items worth keeping, like treasure maps, biscuits, tree elephants, books, umbrellas, bent encyclopedias, stools, socks with feathers on them, light bulbs, sausages, panties, curtains, mouldy boxes with copper treasures and strange carved items from distant corners of the world. There were also seeds for unknown plants, sheets, tin tubes, small car models, photographs, tea warmers, markers, filt pens, rusted nails, some strange pumping mechanism, glass frames, old paintings and hand knitted mittens. In all this mess there was also a million other things, and resting on the bookshelf there was a heap of more scrap just waiting to have an avalanche and possibly put the end to them all.

The atmosphere was one of a concentrated tension, the exact kind which is created by the male ability to focus on one task with every cell in their immensed body. In the flickering light the only break of the quiet was the irregular "poofs" from the fireplace, and the fervent nostrils of the three, pulsating noisily like the lungs of a terrified rodent. Eyes remained rapt on the task at hand, sometimes with an overpowered critical stare, other times with a look of nostalgic recollection of something long gone.

It was obvious that the three devoted men were prepared for both nights and days of hard work throughout July to get the house cleared out for the arrival of Lady Plethora Clarcy of Pea.

Giles had married a plump german creature during the spring, a woman Lord Buttermilk named "The Thing" in his mind, but galantly called "Mrs. Giles" whenever Giles was around. She was small, pink and stumpy, with every attribute of a pig - but was made human through her rubber boots and the flowery outfits she wore. Most of the time she wore swimsuits, and unnecessary to say this was not the most flattering choice for a woman her shape and size. It was also quite strange to be walking around town in a swimsuit, even in Buttermilk.

This flowery and also revealing sense of style radically enhanced her nickname "The Thing" further. Either way, her real name was however not "The Thing" her real name was Gretchen Ödschönlind Haudenschild-Krähenbühl Niederbippftz, which was another name that Lord Buttermilk found to be extremely tongue-twisting. Giles called her "Gibbly-nibbly", something Lord Buttermilk thought was way easier to say, but unfortunately it was indecent for her husbands employer to call her by that. So her name in his house was "The Thi-Mrs. Giles" correcting himself midway almost every time.

The Thing made a wonderful cook, she could cook the wheels of bikes, or even tobacco and make it taste just like the sweetest chocolate pudding. Lord Buttermilk had every intention of hiring her, but he knew that she - like most germans, was a complete soup-nazi that would insist on having it sterile around her at all times. attributes his home had not had since he moved in, basically. So until they had cleaned out (at least the kitchen) this was an impossibility that bothered him at night.


Smylexx said...

Can 'the thing' make a really nice otter-stuffed-with-cranberries
-and-quaile-egg-surprise though?

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